what is now

i’ve been contemplating today. ooooh i’ve got thoughts cooking. but mostly i’m thinking, what is my life right now? i’m in college. i have two more years of plans and that’s it. what’s next? but more importantly,

what is now? 

what are the things that i’m supposed to be learning today? what is it that is going to take four years (other than math and geology and PR and accounting) for the Lord to teach me? how much longer than four years will it take? i mean truly, 

what is now? 

i am happy with the life i live. i have no complaints. i have regrets, but i’ve learned from them. for the most part, i’m enjoying the lessons i’m learning. but there’s always the thoughts in the back of my head, “what is next and what does the future look like? can’t i just have a timeline of my life so i’ll know?” wouldn’t that be nice? but i should be asking,

what is now?

am i open to the hard and scary lessons that the Lord is teaching me? i want to soak up these last two years of my predictable life. most people tell me that the college years are the best years of your life, and i want to really live in that. i want to be spontaneous, i want to take risks, i want to stay up late, i want to be successful with school but not consumed by it. i want to make friendships that make me laugh and challenge me. i want to see something new each day. i want to talk to people i’ve never spoken to before. i want to be in the now. sometimes i have a hard time finding the answer to

what is now? 

but i realize, that now is happening. when i wonder, i just look around. now is that i’m studying for a math exam, but i’m prepping for homecoming later and getting dinner with a friend after that. now is the everyday. now is that each day i realize that i’m so broken, but so whole when i find myself in Him. now is that i’m sinful but caught up in so much grace that my sin is not even remembered by my Father. 

thank you, Jesus that you have given me now. there has to be a now for there to be a future.


spoken word [2.0]

i hear these words and they shake me up. they wake me up. they remind me to not live a life of complacency. too often i find myself stuck in formality, routine, regularity, acceptance. but this is not what i was meant for. i was meant to break off the usual, to cross the line of comfort and find myself in a world of unpredictability. how terrifying, right? that’s where the joy is. it could have a terrible ending, but you learn from that. or it could end up being the best decision you’ve ever made, the best lesson you’ve ever learned, the best people you’ve ever met. it could just be the best. so why stay where you are in a life of good when life could be best?

**i realize that this video has nothing to do with anything i just wrote about (except the first two sentances) but the words started flowing so i wrote.

not my fear

fear cripples me so easily. part of that is letting my mind wander where it shouldn’t. but part of it is satan’s scheme to tear me down bit by bit until i am completely overcome by fear that i no longer feel hope or see that there’s a Father waiting to save me if i just let Him. my fears are usually really irrational too: mom and dad are going to die in a freak accident, i’m never going to graduate, i’m going to be stuck in circumstance xyz forever, i’ll be alone forever. but sometimes these fears start out small: i’m nervous about dad flying home tonight. and then when i don’t allow my Father to capture that fear, it grows. and it becomes a  monster. it becomes something so big that my human mind can’t comprehend how it wouldn’t become a reality. so this is what i’ve learned (mostly from my dear mother’s teachings): when i try to wrestle my own fears, i lose. but when i fully surrender them to the power of my Father from the beginning, my fears cannot win. and they are no longer my fears because I no longer claim them. 

live without fear. live free. 

good day

more often than not, i end a day thinking “i’m so glad this day is almost over.” not because i hate my life or because my circumstances are terrible, but because i simply am counting down to the weekend and it can’t come soon enough. today however, was different. it was a good day. nothing major. i didn’t get engaged. i didn’t learn to fly. i didn’t see one of the 7 wonders of the world. but the Lord blessed it because today happened. i lived to see another day. 

my brother jon and i love to sing that song “it’s a great day to be alive” by travis tritt because for whatever reason it’s “our song.” but let’s be real, it is so good. indeed, i know the sun’s still shining when i close my eyes and that’s a good feeling. speaking of music, bethel has new album out. so that may have contributed to my good day. 

here’s to being more conscious of the days i am given-being more aware of the life i have been handed and making the most of it. even if you didn’t learn to fly today (let me know if you did, i would love to chat), you saw today. that’s a good reason to be excited. 

but maybe your day sucked. i really am sorry to hear that. so how about when you finish reading this you listen to travis tritt and call it a night. 10 pm isn’t too early for bed is it? not by my watch. tomorrow is a new day, and it could be really cool-let it be.