Stress and Apathy and Grace for it all

I’ve come to learn that when it comes to stress/relaxation, I’m a girl of extremes. There’s really no middle ground. I’m either so stressed that I literally forget about meals (not recommended), or so relaxed/care-free that I am care-free of all school, and the amount of apathy I have is embarrassing.

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Before spring break, essentially all semester, I was so in over my head with not just school but life. Trying to figure out who I am, who I wanted to be, how I would get everything done by deadlines, whether or not moving to South Africa for the summer was a crazy decision (I’ve decided it’s crazy but I’m doing it anyways and I. Can’t. Wait) and la la la.

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I managed to get all my ish together (by all, I mean school work) and head down south to Clearwater Beach, Florida. 12 hours and like a hundred bathroom breaks later, we made it. All four girls were still friends when they got there! Praise report. (Just cause it’s a hilarious story, I have to tell you that the kind woman who took this photo *below* for us said “say sex!” before she snapped it. According to her, it’s a better way to get people to smile for pictures than just saying “smile.” It guess it worked more on me than anyone else, kind of embarrassing but I’ll own it).

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And I’m happy to write that we are STILL friends after living in a room together for a week and driving 12 hours back (and another 100 bathroom breaks) to NC. It was a great break, but I must say after reflecting on the week, my ish that I didn’t have figured out, didn’t stay in Florida. That would have been ideal. So at this point, I’m like Okay God, what do you want me to figure out?? Ohh, I see, so I can’t run away from my problems or the questions I don’t want to answer? COOL. 

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So I’m back in Boone and just cause I like to complain I’ll go ahead and tell you that I’m a little T-O’d that it snowed yesterday (march 26-absurd). But class was cancelled and the snow melted off the driveway pretty quick so I guess all in all it was an ideal snow day. Back to it though, my ish, that is. I’m still trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I’ve got a few things figured out (minimal list, don’t get pumped): 1. I’m a daughter of the King and He created me for a reason and I spend every day trying to figure out what that reason is. 2. I want to work in athletics or entertainment. BOOM BABY, there’s my list.

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So I said in the beginning of this post that my relaxation comes in extremes too. It’s called apathy. And oh. my. gosh. Y’all, sometimes the fact that I have a little over a year of school left makes me want to cry. Not because I’m sad to graduate, but because I do not know how I can do school for another 10 months (Jessie, what the heck?? A few posts ago you talked about how much you loved college. I KNOW! I can’t decide what I love). I have had zero motivation to do anything school related for the past week and a half. Thank goodness I had three exams last week and a small amount of motivation, so I pulled it off. Ask my roommates though, since Friday, I’ve done maybe two hours of homework. That’s honestly a stretch. I just don’t like school.

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This is me acknowledging that apathy is not ok. I know that I need to be a good steward of my time and the fact that I have the privilege of being in college. That’s why I’m not really super proud to say I watched 4.5 episodes of Parenthood yesterday. And I keep finding every errand in the world to run in order to avoid homework. I folded my clothes today AND went through ALL OF THEM to get rid of some. I do not do these things for fun, so it’s evidence of the apathy.

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Thankfully, I live for a God full of GRACE. He see’s my apathy and says “I’m loving you through it.” Hoping to find a man who says that to me one day too. Seriously though, I catch myself in the middle of it all the time, in the middle of my laziness and my not-caring and I keep saying “Lord, please give me motivation.” I would love to say that every time I pray that prayer I blaze through four hours of homework, but that doesn’t happen.

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Even if I’m not getting a whole lot done, even when I’m not being a good steward of my time or opportunities, I try and fix it. And I know that my life is not resting on whether or not I’m a straight A student. So that’s where the hard part comes in, balance. How do you balance being a good steward of time and school while remembering that your identity is not found in grades. Seriously, how? If you know, please tell me. I just have to keep reminding myself…grace, grace, grace.

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Thank you, Father, for forgiving me and for giving me buckets of grace. You are good. 

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