I’ve come to learn that when it comes to stress/relaxation, I’m a girl of extremes. There’s really no middle ground. I’m either so stressed that I literally forget about meals (not recommended), or so relaxed/care-free that I am care-free of all school, and the amount of apathy I have is embarrassing.
Before spring break, essentially all semester, I was so in over my head with not just school but life. Trying to figure out who I am, who I wanted to be, how I would get everything done by deadlines, whether or not moving to South Africa for the summer was a crazy decision (I’ve decided it’s crazy but I’m doing it anyways and I. Can’t. Wait) and la la la.
I managed to get all my ish together (by all, I mean school work) and head down south to Clearwater Beach, Florida. 12 hours and like a hundred bathroom breaks later, we made it. All four girls were still friends when they got there! Praise report. (Just cause it’s a hilarious story, I have to tell you that the kind woman who took this photo *below* for us said “say sex!” before she snapped it. According to her, it’s a better way to get people to smile for pictures than just saying “smile.” It guess it worked more on me than anyone else, kind of embarrassing but I’ll own it).
And I’m happy to write that we are STILL friends after living in a room together for a week and driving 12 hours back (and another 100 bathroom breaks) to NC. It was a great break, but I must say after reflecting on the week, my ish that I didn’t have figured out, didn’t stay in Florida. That would have been ideal. So at this point, I’m like Okay God, what do you want me to figure out?? Ohh, I see, so I can’t run away from my problems or the questions I don’t want to answer? COOL.
So I’m back in Boone and just cause I like to complain I’ll go ahead and tell you that I’m a little T-O’d that it snowed yesterday (march 26-absurd). But class was cancelled and the snow melted off the driveway pretty quick so I guess all in all it was an ideal snow day. Back to it though, my ish, that is. I’m still trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I’ve got a few things figured out (minimal list, don’t get pumped): 1. I’m a daughter of the King and He created me for a reason and I spend every day trying to figure out what that reason is. 2. I want to work in athletics or entertainment. BOOM BABY, there’s my list.
So I said in the beginning of this post that my relaxation comes in extremes too. It’s called apathy. And oh. my. gosh. Y’all, sometimes the fact that I have a little over a year of school left makes me want to cry. Not because I’m sad to graduate, but because I do not know how I can do school for another 10 months (Jessie, what the heck?? A few posts ago you talked about how much you loved college. I KNOW! I can’t decide what I love). I have had zero motivation to do anything school related for the past week and a half. Thank goodness I had three exams last week and a small amount of motivation, so I pulled it off. Ask my roommates though, since Friday, I’ve done maybe two hours of homework. That’s honestly a stretch. I just don’t like school.
This is me acknowledging that apathy is not ok. I know that I need to be a good steward of my time and the fact that I have the privilege of being in college. That’s why I’m not really super proud to say I watched 4.5 episodes of Parenthood yesterday. And I keep finding every errand in the world to run in order to avoid homework. I folded my clothes today AND went through ALL OF THEM to get rid of some. I do not do these things for fun, so it’s evidence of the apathy.
Thankfully, I live for a God full of GRACE. He see’s my apathy and says “I’m loving you through it.” Hoping to find a man who says that to me one day too. Seriously though, I catch myself in the middle of it all the time, in the middle of my laziness and my not-caring and I keep saying “Lord, please give me motivation.” I would love to say that every time I pray that prayer I blaze through four hours of homework, but that doesn’t happen.
Even if I’m not getting a whole lot done, even when I’m not being a good steward of my time or opportunities, I try and fix it. And I know that my life is not resting on whether or not I’m a straight A student. So that’s where the hard part comes in, balance. How do you balance being a good steward of time and school while remembering that your identity is not found in grades. Seriously, how? If you know, please tell me. I just have to keep reminding myself…grace, grace, grace.
Thank you, Father, for forgiving me and for giving me buckets of grace. You are good.